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NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 109: "WE *HEART* SIMON COWELL"

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This Week:
* SURVEY - Wanking results in
* ANIM - Saxpohone meerkat
* EVIL - Simon Cowell is Satan

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web ... together"

B3ta email 109 - 17 Oct 2003

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue109/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Saxophonist meerkat of woo <<
  Nacho has been expanding on the animal band
  theme with a nicely detailed animation to
  the cut'n'paste version of The Cure's Close
  To Me. Our favourite bit is the meerkat
  saxophonist and the trumpeting squirrel
  trading jazz licks. Nice...
http://www.snakemountain.co.uk/delgazeebo.htm


  >>Simon Cowell is Satan <<
  Many have theorised that Cowell is the
  Antichrist, but who needs hyperbole when
  you have the monumental Truth. Blimey. Is
  that Simon having bumsex with Will?
  We'd better have a look, hadn't we? Warning:
  this isn't safe for work.
http://www2.b3ta.com/popidle/


  >> Wanking survey: Results in <<
  Remember the masturbation quiz we asked you
  to fill in? Well, you were all very good little
  girls and boys and we've got the results back.
  Hmmm. Some of you not so good eh? One in five
  of you have masturbated whist thinking of
  a family member eh? Right. It's off to bed
  with the lot of you. And no tuck from Matron
  either. 5 points to Slytherin Kieren for
  dobbing in his chums.
http://www.playwithyourself.co.uk/game/html/mdb/girlboy.php


  >> Weebl back on the drink <<
  Jonti's Weebl animations have recently become
  more and more odd.. This one is about watching
  TV. Jonti doesn't own a TV so he's attempted to
  imagine it. A success.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/tv.htm


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Celeb birthday web stunt <<
  Phil will be 35 next month. He's inviting
  35 celebs to attend his birthday. They haven't
  replied to his emails. Can you help? What a
  wicked idea! Delegate your actual stalking
  to a web community. Smart. Or the chap might
  just work in advertising. One or t'other.
http://www.35forphil.com/index.htm


  >> Nice web vid <<
  Some web vids are clunky but funny. Some
  web vids are smooth and charming. This is the
  latter. Features a dead dog tho. So it can't
  all be bad.
http://www.omvf.net/doorsteps.html


  >> Crap plastic surgery <<
  Oi! Lady mags! Let us write your web column.
  We'd stick in lots of sites like this fantastic
  blog where they compare before and
  after shots of celebrity plastic surgery. Oh,
  and the copy! The copy is wonderful: "Victoria
  Beckham has one of the worst-looking breast
  implant jobs in the celebrity world. They
  look like the halves of a cantaloupe stuffed
  into her chest."
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/


  >> Fear of Popes <<
  Did you know you could fear popes? We did.
  We were scared that if we asked the monks
  to stop playing with our winkies that the
  Pope would make the kittens die. Thank Christ
  our papaphobia can be treated and cured.
  (With the miracle of giving these people money.)
http://snurl.com/2pey


  >> Dangerous microwave experiments <<
  Bored this weekend? Read this detailed and
  texty list of experiments with your microwave.
  Don't blame us if you melt your hands. We are
  the bullet shop, not the foolish child. Jeez.
http://www.eskimo.com/~billb/weird/microexp.html


  >> Cum vs. moisturizer. Tested <<
  A lovely little page debunking the myth that
  daddy's chicken broth makes for a great face cream.
  With the man's poor girlfriend taking a full
  application of her scientific duties too. What some
  women put up with, eh? Men. Pah.
http://www.viceland.com/issues/v10n8/htdocs/cum.php


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Budget Cuts' Challenge

  Each week we run a competition to test your
  creative skills. We set a challenge and you
  open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

  Last week we wanted to see things that had
  had their budgets brutally slashed:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/budgetcuts/

  We asked b3ta boarder 'Mystery Bob' to judge the
  entries - here are his 3 faves.

  Mystery Bob writes -

  #1 "Who Wants to Win a King Size Twix? - The idea
  of playing for sweets appeals to me greatly. I'm
  certain I would use all my lifelines to protect
  my drumstick lolly if I was to play. (xeron)
http://b3ta.com/board/2125643

  #2 "Tesco Value Tattoo  - In a glut of many, many
  'Tesco Value' entries it was going to take something
  special to stand out from the crowd. Not only that,
  but I want one _now_. (VampireMonkeyOnSpeed)
http://b3ta.com/board/2132227

  #3 "Steve McQueen - Beautifully photoshopped and
  made me giggle like a loon.  I think it's the
  stabilisers that do it." (More tea vicar?)
http://b3ta.com/board/2130835


  "The obligatory special mention has to go to this
  by 100% of Gibbon... mainly because I once saw an
  episode where a 'wacky' student really did bring
  a Pot Noodle and a beer. I'd like to see what they
  do with the kitten though."
http://b3ta.com/board/2141849


  >> This Weeks Challenge <<

  This week, the Challenge Dictator dropped in again
  to give us the suggestion, "Local News Stories"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/localnews/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SCOTT ADAMS DILBERT 9/11 THING REAL - the
    artist writes, "It's a true coincidence. The
    comic was done several years before 9/11
    and was randomly reprinted in the calendar."
    So there you go. Stuff mentioned, stuff solved.
    A bit like Crimewatch. Yay. Bagsie doing the
    "Sleep tight" bit at the end.

  * MONKEYS FOUGHT THE KITTENS - the monkeys put
    up a brave fight in 2001 and conceded
    gracefully to kittens for the rest of the
    decade. And there was enough kitteny goodness
    to go round for everyone.

  * MILLIONS OF STUPID NAMES WERE SENT IN - we
    were staggered. But enough already. We'll
    write up a little page about them for next
    week. If you're good.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * LEGALISATION of FILESHARING - swapping
    TV & music on-line rocks. Make it legal. Rah.
    Rah. Rah.

  * ABOLITION OF CDs UNREADABLE BY PCs - we want
    to copy our music onto our computers and iPods.
    This is fair use.

  * KITTENS FOR EVERYONE - sing with us, "The
    Kitten bus is coming. And everyone is
    jumping. New York to San Francisco.
    It's a kitten city disco." Hosanna.

  This is our Manifesto. Vote for us. B3ta will
  be taking a seat in Parliament as soon as
  our mum lets us.

  Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was edited by Rob Manuel
  with David Stevenson.
  Top Tip from Workboresme.
  Links sent in by you. You and you. And you
  and you and yououou. Also by Jenny R, Steve S,
  Oystergumbo, Valerie, chapman, Steve Storey
  and EvS.
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Board research by Fnord.
  Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
  Proofing by the dark overlords of b4ta. (70555)
  Sleep tight.

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  TOP TIP:
  
  When leaving the pub, suck on a copper
  penny for 10-15 seconds. If you get pulled over,
  demand a breathalyser test. The copper in the
  penny counteracts the alcohol reading giving
  you a negative test. We have no idea if our
  readers lie to us about these tips. Test it
  and find out.

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